Hey. I’m adopted and I have always known. My parents never kept it a secret. I live in a really small town and everyone has always known.
The other day this old woman was visiting and I was introduced to her. She pried in my business for while and I told her I was adopted. She said “Oh, your birth mom…
Isn’t it amazing that I am the first mother to have surrendered so can give an honest answer from my perspective. Unless you have been through it you can only guess.
I loved my son so much I didn’t abort him BUT I also loved him so much that I wanted to raise him. Adoption never crossed my mind but it still happened as I was bullied and lied into surrendering even though I didn’t agree to it. I wasn’t told my rights, didn’t see any paperwork until post reunion and it is questionable that I signed anything. What happened to me was a forced adoption which is illegal. My son knows what happened and on good days believes me, on bad days he has accused me of lying.
I am a birth mother, I was 17 at the time, I wasn’t with her father, didn’t have a job, or have family who supported me keeping her. I didn’t know there was help out there. Not long after the adoption her father and I got together, he became abusive and hated me for doing it, even though he made it clear he did not want a baby. I chose my adoptive parents and they were able to give her what I couldn’t. I have ALWAYS loved her and I chose not to see her because I knew how hard that would be. The thing is they never told her, seems they hoped I would lose contact, we agreed on this and they have not come through. She just turned 16. She has talked to me on the phone but does not know who I really am. There are many reason why women choose adoption and it certainly is not a selfish choice, it is a choice made out of love and the best interests of your child. The comment from the lady seems sarcastic! Your birth mom has her reason why she doesn’t want contact, maybe it is too hard for her. I don’t know how old you are, maybe she is waiting for you to become an adult before she has contact.
I am not a birth mom and I don’t speak from that perspective but I do have my own thoughts I’d like to share.
I truly believe that “loving” your child and being able to “properly parent” your child from infancy to adulthood are two completely different things. So I believe your mom when she says that you have two moms who love you. period.
Maybe someday your birth mom will comfortable to talk with you about this and you can get some answers you seek. In the meantime, I think its really wonderful you have the type of relationship with your mom that you can talk about these things.
BTW, as a side note, as people age, they sometimes think they’ve earned the right to say anything they wish. But others genuinely loose the ability to censor what they say, so sometimes random thoughts get spoken without consideration for the other person. Its a chemical change in the brain that causes the lack of tact, but I can’t remember the name right now. If it comes to me, I will add it as an edit.
I’m pleased when I see adoptive parents do the right thing. I believe she is right. Your first/bio/natural mom made a choice based on loving you but that isn’t the same as getting rid of you. Having someone else raise your child is the most unnatural thing a woman can do. It goes against everything that is “preset” in our DNA. If she decided to submit herself to that kind of torture, it likely was because, in her mind, it was the loving thing to do for you.
I suspect this “old bat” didn’t know how this would sound. More and more I get people telling us how lucky we were to “get a newborn” or how lucky he is “to be taken in”. Well…that’s BS. We have the privilege of raising him but it comes as a very steep price to his first mom. I can’t even begin to tell you.
As your mom told you “It was a choice she made…but she still loved you”.
Try not to let other people lack of adoption awareness weigh you down. Educate them if you can but walk away if you like. It’s just a shame.
ETA: My apologies. I did not read the question carefully. It was addressed to first/bio/natural moms.
My parents died when I was under 6 months old and I lived with my grandmother until her health went down hill and my Aunt put me in a children’s home at age 6 and there I stayed until I was 13, almost 14 and I got adopted. My Aunt kept refusing to sign off on my adoption but she didn’t want me to live with her either. She came and saw me at the children’s home a few times, one was to take me to my grandmother’s funeral but she never took me off campus after that. I must admit that I have had some issue with her reasons for not letting me be adopted sooner. I heard because I was her only family or she was going to move me in if she got her marriage work out ect. Bottom line, I think she wanted me cared for but couldn’t bring herself to see me because it reminded her that she did not step up. Now she wants to be friends since I am an adult and I am finishing with college and I guess won’t have to ask her for anything. But I don’t, I have moved on
I love my baby boy so much and I sometimes think if I knew if I gave him away and he could have everything he wanted, people that love him unconditionally, that he’d be cared for in the best way possible, no money worry… I would, because I can’t give him a perfect life I’ll try my best but I never could actually do it, but it makes me think and understand why your mother gave u up if she thought she couldn’t give you any of what u deserved or care for you properly, maybe this is what the old lady ment, your birth mum most probably still feels in pain about it now, I wish you all the best hope I haven’t given u wrong Iris about my son, I love him dearly, I’m young so I do struggle abit but I’m a good mum he’s my world x
Hey, I am sorry that woman said that to you. I am an adoptive mom and I can’t stand it when I hear people say things like that. Love is not conditional on being able to take care of you. They really are two separate things. People who make ignorant comments are everywhere and whatever it is that they think they know about adoption is probably from a movie or a novel, not reality. Try not to let it affect you. Also, if someone is poking around in your business, don’t feel obligated like you have to share personal information about yourself unless you want to.
She probably put you up for adoption because she wanted the best for you. She probably couldn’t give you everything she thought you would need and deserve so she gave you to someone who could.
It is not easy to give a baby up for adoption, and I have a big feeling that your birth mom does love you and she probably thinks about you a lot still. It was a hard choice for her, but she did it for you. (she gave you up for adoption because she loves you, not because you “werent worth keeping or loving”)
I don’t see why I got two thumbs down for saying what I was thinking.i will be a mom and I was thinking about giving mine up for adoption because I thought it’d be best, the dad and I aren’t together, he’s a cheater, and I didn’t have enough money or any income, but I do have money and tons of love for my daughter now (I found a way). You want what’s best for your children.
I’m not a birth mom but I understand why you feel that way. Lots of old people seem to be nosy & have no manners. She had no business saying something like that to you, & it says more about her than about you or your birthmom.
Try not to let people’s ignorant comments bother you. It’s great that you have a healthy relationship with your mom where you can tell her things & she’ll listen & understand.