My partners best friend (Matt) lost his battle to cancer just over a year ago. Since Matt and his wife and two children lived overseas and my partner and I have only been together for 18 months, I had never met him and have not met our family.
My partner (Todd) has been hugely supportive to Matt’s wife (Anne)…
Since you & Todd are not married, this widow may have the idea that you two aren’t all that serious, & may have her sights set on him . . . maybe not . . . but, it wouldn’t be surprising based on the limited info I have.
I am posting links to several excellent articles that can help you handle whatever comes up regarding the issues involved:
“How Can Others Help Those Who Have Lost Loved Ones to Death?”
“How Well Do You Communicate?”
– Keys to Communicating With Your Mate
– Understanding the Challenges
– Why Work to Resolve Problems?
– Avoid Damaging Patterns of Speech
“When Marital Disagreements Arise”
– Assessing the Situation
– Three Steps to Defusing an Argument
– ‘Pay Attention to How You Listen’
– Listening and Insight
– Aim to Resolve, Not to Win
– What You Can Do Now
Regarding when you, Todd, the widow, & her family . . . all go on vacation together . . . ask Todd if he has thought about what he will do if she insists on talking only –or mainly– to him, and doing things that exclude you. He should consider –in that case– insisting that she find a female friend or relative to confide in, instead of him, and leave . . . If the children need his support, perhaps he could continue seeing them . . . without her being present.
Poppy, I want to quickly put your mind to rest regarding Todd; he clearly loves you sweetie otherwise, he would not automatically book for you to be included, especially as it was not stated clearly and second, HE reminded Anne that YOU have a name.
She IS getting emotionally attached to him and he probably is not aware of it.
The fact that he again clearly respects you, tells me you can request that either he does not go around so often or you go together and if he is a good upright man, he will jump at the chance to make you feel better.
You could even try speaking with Anne yourself. Why not invite her over ie just the two of you, for a light meal and just gently suggest that you appreciate how bad things are for her, but you get the feeling she is perhaps leaning a bit too much on Todd and it is rather hurting you and stressing that you and Todd are very happy together and you are sure she would not like to break you up? If she is genuine, she will be very sorry and be quick to make amends and if she is not, then you have every right to explain this to Todd. Oh and let him know that you are inviting her over.
A similar situation occurred with my husband. I mistakenly mentioned that my husband was one in a million to a friend and then sort of within a year, she lost her beloved daughter to cancer and was inconsolable and chose my husband to lean on, but he being a man of deep honour felt very uncomfortable and actually said that she had tried to lay her head on his shoulders and he awkwardly patted her head lol. I can imagine the scene for I know my husband! He of course denied she was playing up to him, but did reassure me that he had no feelings for her and I believed him.
Don’t feel awful sweetie; you are not doing anything wrong.
I think you’re right to have concerns. Motto jump on him but it does sound like you need to pay attention to her behaviour on this holiday. That will tell you her intentions.
Todd loves you and is probably completely oblivious to what she is doing. Don’t blame him for any of it, just keep watching her and see how things develop.
Many times when a spouse dies people need someone to lean on. Sounds like she is leaning to much. You need to express your concerns to your boyfriend and be prepared for him to not listen to them. Your woman’s intuition is probably right on. Yes, you are hurt by this (I would be) so I would (hate to say it) think seriously about your relationship. It might be time to end it before it gets ugly.
The problem here is that you’re not taking your place. You need to more present in that woman’s life, as your husband is too. Since you dont know her late husband and dont have as much history with that woman as your husband does, you need to find your way into her life anyway. If she sees that you’re very hands on, she’ll be reluctant to try any moves on your husband. But if you give her the green light by allowing your husband to spend time with her WITHOUT you, then of course she’ll try her luck. A good way in would be to get friendly with the kids first, bring them gifts etc…And whenever that woman wants to ‘open up’ to your husband, be there, although I doubt she will do so in your presence. If she has you constantly in her face, believe me, she’ll let go.
your thinking and concern is right….just go with your instinct and do what you think is needful….tackle your partner in best possible way.
only way to take a man apart from others is to take too much care about him .
I’d definitely keep your eyes peeled.