My poem [Life]……critique please?


Life is the mystery that no one knows,
You’re up then you’re down, that’s just how it goes,
At times we smiled but there were times when we cried,
Sometimes we were truthful but at others we lied,
We’ve been through misery & lots of pain,
Some things we did, were all in vain,
We often went…

Your poem is good, and you do have some writing talent, It’s a long poem and I almost didn’t read it, but I’m glad I did. Normally, I would rewrite it for you, but you caught me on a hot night and tired. So I’ll just make a few comments: When you write poetry, use as few words as you can and still be able to say what you want to say– you can chop this down a good bit that way. An example: (2nd line, top)– you could write it, “You’re up then down, that’s how it goes” or “You’re up, then down, that’s how it goes.” (the last shows the use of punctuation (comma), which you also need to use to better benefit) By using punctuation you can make it flow as you wish. Another example: (3rd line, top)– “At times we smiled, at times we cried.” (you’ve cut words, said the same thing, it flows better) Capitalization– you do not have to capitalize the first letter of each sentence, though you can if you want. I would do so only if the punctuation used called for it (the start of a new sentence) or it’s a word that is supposed to be capitalized.. Usually, unless you have a purpose in doing so, you would not use “&” , write it out (and).. The rule is that everything you use or do in a poem is there as it is because it means something in the whole creation. For example– Your line: “Spent great summers & cold decembers” (you did not capitalize December, as it should have been, unless you didn’t do so for a reason) I would (probably) write the line– “Spent great Summers and cold decembers” this would highlight the great summers, and the uncapitalization of Decembers would highlight the not so great December months. OKay, I’ve given you something to think about, and I want to end this by encouraging you to continue to write. I felt you in your poem, you DO have talent, now develop it! Good luck to you!

(1) This is 8 of February 2011. By the way, I am thrilled your torrential “W”s had me “Won”! A nice, feminine plus dynamic multiple question, leaves no doubt about the result. We are impressed, out friend here, returns strong yet philosophical.
“Felt messed up & lost our faith,
It was tough, we couldn’t keep pace,”
This is a cliche. I ‘ve read of so many “losing their faith” in here, that I imagine the churches empty. Maybe you should slow down a little and recount, comb, revise your script, making it more surprising.
When the guy you want, really wants her,
Or when the girl you love is into that boy,
When people dump you like a broken toy,

Here I go for an espresso…. The girl you love is into that boy. She is not! I think. (drinks espresso). I am confused! (Boy! Another espresso!) The guy really wants her… (Her have an espresso too) You see Remoooz, when the going gets tough, offer an espresso to all, and escape the tight spot.
I welcome you again, hope the boy will go fishing on his fishing-boat and you ‘ll write a nice poem about this. x G.

i admire your poem and fairly your know-how which you coach. i might fairly be 2d ultimate than substitute into 2d-fee Absolute perfection. each dream can so easily be smashed by utilising accepting 2d-fee. nicely pronounced! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I breathe in actualities, carry them below my lens; My faceted observations Breathe complicated notions out returned. Writing pinned under The scope of my importance, each delusion is segmented, each line is examine on a similar time as nude. To cool down, substitute into complacent isn’t a poet’s destiny. i might fairly be 2d ultimate Than substitute into 2d-fee. that’s a stable element existence’s now problematical; i wouldn’t in any respect have reached those heights. The depths at the instant are what I locate no count number if or not they are what i admire. ~~~~~ I wasn’t particular approximately writhing the two, yet I replaced it to writing and it made extra experience. I hate typos. They slip in my writing each and all the time, and that i won’t be able to capture them by way of fact I examine what i presumed I wrote. Worst one replaced into horsemanship in basic terms it replaced into written horseshipman. I laughed plenty whilst my niece caught it — 3 others had examine the manuscript and that they did not capture it. keep Writing! .

Good, but how can it be written August 2nd, 2011? That hasn’t happened yet…O.o But the poem is extremely deep and makes you think about how you’ve been spending your time. I like it, but maybe work on some of the rhymes.

it’s pretty good, you’re very talented 😉 keep it up!

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