Thoughts on my short story?


Below is an excerpt of a short story I wrote a little while ago. Would you want to read it any further? All comments will be greatly appreciated!

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The ugly creature stared down at him.

It was only a few minutes ago that the vulture had been gnawing on his friend’s decaying body, and what had now…

My editing is in ( )
Overall, trying removing redundant words and cutting back on words. You could have said the same thing in a much concise way. Have a read of my comments below and see for yourself. Other than that, interesting scene you have set up, makes me want to know what will happen to your main character.

The ugly creature stared down at him.
It was only a few minutes ago that the vulture had been gnawing on his friend’s decaying body, and what had now reduced to barely a morsel. This sight hadn’t initially bothered him too much for the intense heat and stench made breathing almost unbearable, and thus, mourning of secondary importance (the last part of this sentence starting from “and thus….” can be phrased better I reckon). In fact, his friend had been lying next to him for nearly two weeks (unbeknownst to him), positioned in the exact same location as when the grotesque creature had been devouring his friend (Don’t keep saying his friend…you keep repeating it too much. Maybe write in the name of he friend or him/her) . The bird’s initiative in stalking them had intrigued him – the conditions of this unknown place that bore a strong resemblance to hell were virtually impossible to sustain life (Again, I think you are trying to make the sentence “fancy” but it puts the reader off- trying rephrasing it). At once, he was bombarded with a plethora of questions; questions that he knew all too well would be left unanswered (Like before, lots of redundant words. You could simply say: questions he knew were unanswerable), and grew restless at the reality of his misfortune.

From the waist down, Keyes was submerged in a thick, glutinous substance that rendered any movement impossible. He was hungry, tired and numb. He wasn’t exactly sure of how long he had been stranded in this vast plain of brown emptiness, let alone had any sense of time (nor did it concern him), but he felt it was necessary to remind himself as to what had brought him here…

Like what others have already pointed out, ‘The ugly creature’ seems not enough. As a reader, I would want to know what exactly the ‘ugly creature’ looked like – e.g what color was his skin, hair etc. The rest of the paragraph are fine, though. I could imagine the scene. Keep writing! =)

“The ugly creature stared down at him. ”

I stopped reading there. You want description. You want detail. You want the audience to feel the essence of how hideous the creature is, you want the audience to feel the burning gaze pierce through them.

I shall now continue reading, but thought I’d add that constructive criticism!

i think its like such a mysterious sort of story but a bit of past would be nice but its so like awesome and you cant stop reading because you wanna know what happens next

I guess it wasn’t bad.

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