I also have a year old girl who is so beautiful and loving and is so glad when she sees her father. Should i divorce him? I am actually not happy and I’m always leaving when the tensions is high to find peace some where.
The fact is that he’s in the habit of disgracing me often and even jumps on me to…
Try not to be scared of your life being totally different once you divorce him. I know it can be scary. Especially being a single mom. But believe me, you get through it and life turns out much better in the end. I did it.
He can be a dad if he is in the household or not. And you should not sacrifice your own happiness for a person like this. Plus if you think keeping daddy around is better for your child, your wrong. If she sees that you are unhappy and that daddy makes you upset, in the long run this is going to hurt her. She should not be around fighting and arguing. Seeing you happy with be much healthier for her.
You deserve to get on with your life and eventually find somebody who will love you, not abuse you. Good luck.
Divorce is not the answer, at least not immediately. The two of you need to try counseling, and truly commit to the process and stick with it. He needs to learn that verbal and mental abuse are just as bad as physical abuse.
If he is hitting you, then your counseling should be done with the two of you seperated and a time given to see if reconcilliation is a possibility. You do not want you yound, precious little one to see him verbally or physically abusing you because studies show that even at her young age, it affects her.
If counseling does not work, then you have to make the hard decision that the relationship just is not going to work and do what is best for you and your child. I hope it does not come to that and wish you all the luck in the world. do not give up so easily. too many people quit so fast in life these days.
You can try counceling but it don’t always help and sometimes the spouse isn’t willing to go. Don’t say with him because of your daughter. Nobody needs to go through life like that. I know this from experience, I stayed with my husband because of our 3 children but the abuse got worse, so I wised up and left. my happiness was more important to me. Now I am better off. So if you are not happy then get out and get a divorce. You and your daughter will be much better off. It might be hard at first but it will get better in time.. Good Luck..
If he is insulting you, hitting you, etc. it will only get worse at time goes on. When the hitting starts, it’s time to go. He will always be the father to your daughter. Living under those circumstances is not good for you. Eventually it will wear you down and it may start affecting your daughter too. Children can pick up on these things due to their innocence.
As stated above….if you do go through with a divorce…don’t forget the child support. Good luck to you.
Hi Cicom, just some thoughts…
In regards to your daughter, she is only one year old. Children at that age are resilient and will not retain specific memories of what happens right now. Yes, the absence of her father (especially if she likes him and he is an active part of her life) might cause some pain when the routine is first broken. Still, she will probably see her father during visitation and be able to pursue a relationship with him if she wants as she gets older.
As far as that goes, the best option for a child is to have two parents who are happily married; but in cases where domestic abuse is ongoing and you see it affecting your child, you have to consider your alternatives and what is best in the long run.
In your post, I saw a man who is verbally abusive and aggressive, who sees any challenge to his desires as a threat, and wants to dominate those around him verbally. He seems to what to do whatever he wants, and is actively committed to defending that independence — self-indulgent and selfish, with aggression towards you since you (as his wife) have the legal/moral right to judge and/or put limits on his behavior.
Guilt over his behavior (i.e., he knows he’s wrong but doesn’t want to stop) might also be contributing to the abuse.
You’re been married only two years. Did this pattern exist before you got married? Did it start right when you got married? Is it recent?
If the behavior is new or you can pinpoint when it began, then there might be something that happened in his life that “triggered it” and he’s not coping well. You then have a shot at fixing things by dealing with the issue, if you find a good counselor and both of you are willing.
If the pattern was always there to some degree before you married, or from the day you were married, it will be much harder for him to change, and it’s likely he doesn’t want to change.
I had a little trouble reading your tone in terms of where you are at in terms of pursuing the marriage. In spots, you sound like you’re a bit numb and resigned to the divorce just to get safety and closure. Yet your actual question says that you still “love” your husband — which insinuates you would still make things work if you could.
I do think you need to do something. Letting things go on as they are will be destructive to you (since you are being abused), your daughter (since she will be witness to what happens, probably the victim of verbal abuse at some point, and have her idea of what is “normal” distorted)… and even your husband, since he is effectively destroying his primary relationships and any chance for mental/spiritual health due to his self-indulgent, self-focused behavior. Things will only continue to escalate and get worse for everyone until he decides to change.
Divorce is not something to enter lightly, and it has to be your decision. I would give you some anchor points, though, that might help:
First of all, don’t let your husband’s rejection of you change how you value yourself as a woman. His abuse hurts a great deal (even if you are numb now), and you no doubt had dreams for your marriage. But his behavior does not change who you are. The way he is treating you is his fault and not because you “worth less” or not worthy of a man’s attentions. Even if you made some mistakes here, you are still “okay.”
Second, do things for the right reason. If you choose divorce, do not do so because you are getting back at the man who hurt you and broke his promises, or because you want some relief from the torture of dealing with him, or simply because you have leeway since people are sympathetic. Those are understandable reasons, but the best reason to go that route is because you care about your child, yourself, the sanctity of your marriage… and even your husband (long-term).
Third, please find someone who knows you / him / the relationship to give you a third-eye view of what’s been happening, just as a matter of course. Advice here will be sorely lacking because we don’t know much about you, and you need any informed input you can get. It could be a counselor or pastor to just listen to you and talk through the whole thing, to get a grip on what is going on. In any case, make sure you allow yourself to depend on some people for guidance and/or emotional support, and not do this alone. This is a hard situation to deal with.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. I hope things work out.
Well if it is violent type of fighting then you should leave because that will only likely get worse. Just be prepared if you are still in love with him it will be tough for a while, I am certainly not saying stay in a bad relationship but I wish I would have been more prepared. I left my home because my mother in law was causing lots of trouble and my wife was growing closer to her and further from me (we all lived in the same home) I still loved my wife very much but thought she did not love me anymore. I left on a friday and tried to go back on sunday and my wife did not want me back, so in a sense I went for what I thought I wanted and in the end only ended up giving them what they wanted. Do not stay in a bad relationship but be prepared that if you still love them wether it was right or wrong to leave it is going to hurt for awhile.
You are not happy with him, yet you love him. Do you love it when he cheats on you, and disgraces you? Don’t have stars in your eyes. I say you deserve somebody who will honor, respect, and love you, and I don’t think he does. You are not too old to find your second chance in life. Especially if this relationship is physically or emotionally abusive. Get out before your daughter learns to put up for those type of behaviors.
I am sorry Cicom for your prediciment, but ask yourself honestly, how do you say you love this man. He is a pig. Read him the Riot Act telling him that if he does not improve within the next three months, you are going to divorce him. Mean it, and stick to your threat. I have over the years seen so many marriages go down this path ending, in a great many cases, in tragedy. For your sake and the sake of your beautiful daughter make up your mind…………….
When he’s out to work or play ~ get your baby and bags packed ..and leave ! It’s only going to get worse and he needs to grow up and figure out. If, your not around he’ll have to wake up and smell the coffee ! He’s not going change unless ~ you gain control of the situation ! The thought of divorce and a judge making mince meat outta him ~ you now have the control ! If, he can’t grow up fast enough than ~ it was never meant to be ! The thought of losing his baby, you , paying alimony, child support and losing control of his belongs ~ should do it ! If, he can’t make the right decisions than perhalps a judge will make all the decisions for him !!!!
Please leave before your child begins to be affected by all this. If you cant find peace in your own home, what do you have to look forward to at the end of the day? When she is older just explain to her that daddy didnt treat mommy good. If you are not happy then you need to get a divorce. If he tries to fight you then one day he will fight you, and your little girl really doesnt need to experience that. You deserve better. Please leave before it gets worst.