Constructive Criticism please? (2nd draft)?


*I am writing a YA fantasy/adventure/romance novel. Main character: Melanie. This part is all in Melanie’s perspective)*

“Oh! Hey!” the tall, shadowed figure shouted.

I started taking longer, faster strides.

“Hey you! You in the woods!”

I quickly glanced back, nearly tripping over a broken…

It’s good. You just need to change some verbs etc.
For example:
[“Oh! Hey!” the tall, shadowed figure shouted.] Shouted? You make it look like he’s angry. You could have replaced that with Called.
[His warm breath passed over me ear.] You could have said “Washed over the side of my face.” sounds better i think
[I glanced into his eyes again. Bright grey-blue.-Luckily, it was dark] How come you could see the color of his eyes if it were so dark?
[His eyes were so different.-His eyes were so familiar.] So, are they familiar or are they different? Plus, you could describe the eyes more, the shape, the feelings they gave you, the way he looked at you. The more you write outside dialogues, the more you give access to the reader to know your character and learn how he/she thinks.

Other than that, i think it’s a really great story line and you should continue it. Use ideas that haven’t been used before, and let your mind wonder into the story line however extreme it might turn out. That’s what most authors do and they all turn out to be bestsellers. Try writing down the main points in a scene of the story so that you won’t involuntarily contradict yourself later. Plus, use a thesaurus. It’s exceptionally helpful in book writing.
Hope my opinion helped!

Good Luck! =]

P.S – Too many “Er”s. Is Melanie that hesitant?

You write nicely, regardless of if it style of feels which you spend extra time in the process the write aggravating approximately rhyme schemes. All poems do no longer rhyme. in case you have been to place in penning this over and channel the uncooked emotion interior of it, you’re able to see a appropriate extra helpful version of this large write.

There’s some small grammatical errors. Some typos, and some unnecessary commas.
I don’t really like fantasy stuff, so the werewolf/demon part was a turn off

The dialogue is incredibly weak, flat and boring and there is no real narrative or description. Not even the faintest glimmer of character development shines anywhere.

OH MY GOD GIVE ME A COPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…

i really wish that i hadn’t started reading this.
now i want to read more.
maybe e-mail me it piece by piece?
im being a freak sorry.
i dont think it sounds to much like twilight.

this is the 1st one ive read on yahoo answers thats accualy good and may have a shot.

but they didnt make a baby in the end. so its hella disney

sounds a bit twilightish doesnt it?
and is this the very start of it?
it was… ok. i guess.

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