I broke my mothers heart last night – serious answers only?

My mum and i have always shared care o my 9yr old child. i recently moved in with my partner after 4yrs together(my mum hates my partner there is no reason for this honest! she just didnt want me or my little girl to leave her) by the way my partner loves my daughter 2

due to this disapproval my mum decided…

ok honey try not to worry, when i had my son i was living at home, we were there for 4 years when i met my current partner, my mum hated him on site but i think it was only because she did not want to lose my son, now as it stands you have sole responsibility for your daughter and have every right to have her living with you, now your mum does have visitation rights to your daughter as she has lived there and you shared her upbringing but you have to stand firm her she is your daughter and unless your mum can prove you are an unfit mother then she can not take your daughter from you, i found all this out when my mum tried the same thing we had a big argument and i moved out with my son after a week, i phoned her and said it was not fair on my son not to see his grandma so we came to an arrangement of he spent the weekends with her, so stay strong your mum can not keep your child and if she tries you will have to get tough and call the police, and they will return your daughter to you, best of luck honey i have been in your shoes and it is not nice but i am sure it will all work out for you.

Okay, I am one of those been there unkempt women that now takes a lot of pride in their appearance. First and foremost ANYBODY is going to feel better and less depressed even if they already are depressed if they will do the best with what they have and practice at least good hygiene. Then the more that they WILL and CAN do with their appearance will improve their self esteem by 110%. I am living proof of that and up until 3 months ago after 22 years of marriage I could go 6 months not put makeup and lied to the world and myself that I was comfortable with it. Now I won’t so much as go for a jog without at least eyeliner and lipstick. My marriage has gotten a much needed boost. I probably do, no, I know that I do have a husband that loves me unconditionally and will stay with me through thick and thin but that is no good excuse to let him look at a hag because of it. I like myself a hell of a lot more and if people are going to be haten on you for your question don’t worry about it because there maybe a few that might realize that they resemble your remark and do something about it and be thankful you posted it. If there is any correct place to ask something of this nature, this forum is most certainly it. More of my 2 cents….This has just gone over some of these peoples heads, this is not about hating or judging for most it is actual concern. I wished I had woke up years ago.

Wow, what a scenario!! Honey as SS told you, your daughter is your child and your responsibility. Your mother can not, and does not have the right to remove her from your custody unless she has serious grounds for worrying your child is at risk. If your partner is not violent, is not a pedophile, and does not do drugs or alcohol, and the same also applies to you, then she has no grounds for concern.

To be frank your mum is messing with your head. She does not want to lose her two little girls and has forced you into a position where you had no choice but to act as you did. This is not your fault. Under no circumstances should you feel guilty for defending your right to parent and protect your child.

It seems clear that your mum has had both of you at home for some time, perhaps you were a young mum and she supported you through that. But you are presumably now an adult and able to make your own choices, but she is unwilling to let you do that. My mother did that to me, and after years of begging, pleading, shrieking and so forth, I now live onthe other side of the world and have the barest minimum contact to ensure she is being properly cared for in her retirement home. That is the direction your mother is taking and she needs to take stock of her own behaviour.

I would leave her to sweat it out a few days so she discovered just how much more she has to lose. I would not give her access to your child for that time (time has a different meaning for children so this will not be too hard on your child). I would not let her know it was only for a week.

During that time, ask yourself what degree of contact with your mum is going to work best for you and your child. If your mum is going to have hysterics like this, that is not a good thing for your child to see. Tell her this. Tell her if she really cares for you and your child she would be willing to listen to your arguments and take them on board.

I also think it is a good idea to see if you can find some sort of family counselling service so that you can work things out with an independant person there to take the heat off you. Mums know exactly what buttons to push to put you on the defensive. If you are broke then see if social services can help you sort it out. They may be able to provide some free counselling (I don’t know, as I am new to the country). But most of all, remember if you are caring for your child and not putting her at risk, then it is your mother who is out of line, not you. hugs to you honey.

your daughter is your daughter and should be with you. I can understand your mum not wanting to change things, but I think she should take a step back and let you live your life. As long as your b/f is good to your daughter and your mum can see that then she should be able to relax a bit. personally I think she has gone too far by letting rip in front of your daughter.

I suggest you gather up all your daughters things and leave. tell your mum that no matter what you will not shut her out of your daughters life. you can leave the ball in her court then. She will miss your daughter very much, and hopefully come round and sort something out.

I wish you luck

PS if you do decide to move away, remember who drove you to it, don’t blame yourself. I am estranged from my father and I carried a lot of guilt over nothing much for a long time. It may sound selfish, but just try to rebuild your life and concentrate on yours and your daughters happiness. You only get one life and your child will only be young once. Please don’t waste it with a life full of regret – it will make you ill. I feel for you babe, I wish I could do more to help.

Firstly.. make sure u are the best mother toyour daughter you could possibly be… make no mistakes!
secondly… give your mum space.. it will feel like you have taken HER child away!
.. in a couple of weeks.. allow ur daughter to see her granny (with ur sisters supervision) – right now is too early!
Encourage your daughter to draw pictures, phone her granny. Never be seen as trying to stop the contact.
Once things are smoother….. this make take many weeks… write your mum a letter… apologise for the way things turned out, explain how important she is to you & how you appreciate everything she has done in helping you to raise your daughter…. tell her how much she still means to you & that you want her to be a big part in your daughters life.. but that she has to move on.
Your daughter refused to come with you.. purely because of the arguement & she was scared for her Granny.
Keep reassuring your daughter of your love for her & her grans love for her…. never critisise your mum in front of her.. ever!
I wish you all the luck in the world.. be brave…. be strong & work hard at your new family life.

it sounds as if your mother is jealous of your partner taking her daughter and grandaughter away from her…. you are right in saying that your daughter is your child and should be with you….

I think you should go around and see your mother together with your partner and explain to her in a clam and rational manner that Sarah is your daughter and that you know that she means the world to her but she needs to be living with her mother… say that you appreciate all that she has done for you both but eventually it was inevitable that your life would move on and your daughter is part of that process…. if your mother is being rational she will listen and try and put some plan into place for instance maybe one night a week she stays over at her grandmothers….. by saying this you are trying to show your mother that she is still part of Sarahs life and that you also want that too….
If your mother wont give you your daughter then unfortunately you may have to consider contacting the police….sounds drastic i know but it maybe the only option after exploring all other rational methods.
Finally i think it is important that your partner goes with you so you show a united front and he can show your mother that you mean business that she cannot manipulate you or your daughter….
But please remember stay calm and cool even if your mother rants and raves at you …
Good luck

Family conflicts like this are always emotionally charged but it is difficult and really impossible for anyone to give you proper advice with only one side of the story.

I would urge you to have professional counselling with your mum to help to work through the hurt and pain. I have been there and there is always more than meets the eye initially. You clearly love your mum and do not want to leave her hurting – regardless of what horrible things have been said and done in the heat of the moment.

If you are in the in the UK I would strongly recommend that you give Relate a call and see if you can get someone independent to talk to – they work on a tiered basis of payment so if you are short of earnings you will have to pay a minimal amount if at all.

Best of luck!

I so feel for you Ali but your mum brought this on herself as she was treating both you and your daughter as possessions and that is not healthy because it is very controlling behaviour. When you love someone you have to let them go not emotionally blackmail them. You have every right to happiness with your child and your partner but I can see that it is hurting you terribly of what your Mum is doing. She has spoken in anger and frustration but given time by you taking a back seat and giving her space for now I am sure she will come round because she will miss you both. It is such a shame that it went this far and I wish you well and hope it works out for you and your little girl.

It’s a very highly emotional situation for all involved. First thing you should do (even though you are so upset and understandably) is to calm down, for your little girls sake.
You’re mom probably said all of those things in anger and pain, and she is just lashing out at you. But we can’t make intelligent and rational decisions from emotional distress.
If there truly is nothing wrong with your boyfriend, then what IS your Mom so upset about with him for? Is it because the grand-daughter has to leave her to go live with him and you? Is it because you are not married, and she thinks that is best for your daughter?
You’re feeling guilty because your Mom is using emotional blackmail, and using your daughter as a pawn to get HER needs met, but the biggest concern and priority should be what is best for your daughter.
I truly do hope you plan on marrying this man, if that is your intention to raise her together with him as it would prove to EVERYONE (including and especially your daughter) that he does love her and wants to treat her like his own daughter and live as a family. Otherwise, why get your daughter all emotionally attached to him, if there is no real commitment?
You’re mom may calm down a bit after she sees that you are not trying to seperate her from the grand-daughter, but you have to make sure your mom is not saying negative things about you to your daughter.
Someone in the meantime has to sit your mom down and tell HER that her behavior is detrimental to her grand-daughter and WHY. And also gently remind her that this is YOUR daughter and have every right to do what YOU think is best, and not be bullied or guilted into giving in to her demands.
It would be nice if your Mom would be willing to get into some counseling or some sort of a discussion with a mediator who can listen to you and your mom and help you come to a fair and calm agreement about how to deal with all these feelings of anger and resentment and pain, for the SAKE of your daughter’s well being. Best wishes to you for a good outcome for all. And remember to speak from your mind, and not your heart right now, that way your daughter can process better why everyone is so upset.

she is your daughter and as long as you are not mistreating her in anyway and your partner isn’t(which your not) she should be with you. your mum should not blackmail you like this. if she loves your daughter that much she should be happy seeing her in a home with a loving stable family. it is not fair of her to say that if you loved your child you would stay with your mum. she shouldn’t expect you to live with her forever at the end of the day you are a woman old enough to leave home and obviously you should take your daughter with you. if your mum doesn’t see sense sooner or later that is not your fault as you have done nothing wrong. you have not stopped her seeing her grandchild. i think she may think shes the mum to both of you and as painful as this may be, she needs to realise she isn’t. good luck. x

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